I am sure I will have to face many angry stares for writing this article instead of wishing you good tidings of the season. But that's oki, as long as this serves its purpose. We are all accustomed to blasphemy at homes, at the street, at offices, almost everywhere. And if you are not, you better take up the initiative yourself and do orient yourself with the scientific community's support for the venture here.
The American linguistic banality has so invaded our diction that for most of us blasphemy or swearing is synonymous to the limited lexis which begins gloriously with the 'F' word and its associated phrasal verbs. I lament this because we forget to hone our blasphemy skills.
It’s not blasphemy alone that I am interested in, though it's the key ingredient. I personally think there is no better way that one can improve one's linguistic skills than through swearing. Do excuse me. I don’t mean the perplexing ones that I mentioned afore, but some creative constructions which actually make the opponent or the recipient sit down and meditate upon his mistake.
The benefits are many 1) It actually makes your foe think and use a couple of (the otherwise wasted) minutes of his life to decipher what you conveyed 2) You improve your linguistic skills and also do end up with a feeling of pride the same way Shakespeare felt after completing his master pieces 3) You are contributing to the development of the language and if you have an audience, you would inspire them too 4) You are emancipating yourself from the shackles of a redundant swearing style, which sadly connote with not just poor linguistic development, but also psychological and sexual development (or underdevelopment). So let’s move to some examples:
Situation 1: Your foe behaves worse than an Ape. Response: Here, instead of calling him an ape directly on his face, you could perhaps try saying - I wish you had climbed few more rugs up the evolutionary ladder or perhaps, I know you wish to go bananas, but I'm sure you'll succeed being a man.
Situation 2: You are trying to cross the street amidst heavy traffic and the pedestrian signal is on, but you have a four wheeler stationed right there on the Zebra crossing. Response: Calmly knock on the glass and tell him that he is diagnosed with achromatopsia and perhaps nerve damage too and ask him to get hospitalised immediately.
Situation 3: A situation of racial discrimination - This is one bad thing I deplore, but is strikingly common despite Mandela's life time efforts. You'll perhaps be asked whether you have enough money in your pocket when in a high end shop, or be told that you are not fit to be in a particular place or so.. Response: Take a deep breath and say, the sun shines a bit too much on the place where I am from, but I do not get as much rashes as the canines here do at summer. Or perhaps you could try, I underwent the same process of production as you went through, just that I am more colourful and comes with a manufacturing guarantee. You can even try quoting Russell Brand at extreme situations and go on to say, "All penguins are the same below the surface, which I think is as perfect an analogy as we're likely to get for the futility of racism.”
Situation 4: Your senior at work pushes across unwarranted work load atop your pending work. Response: Tell him that he rightly guessed you as a bullock, but not the one who work for an ass. This is but just the tip of the iceberg and sufficient disgust mixed in right proportion with you linguistic skills can yield you mind-blowing results than this. So go ahead and bring out the Shakespeare, Shaw and Shelly in you as you make your way through Christmas and boxers day to a new year.
HAPPY (not so wretched one as this) NEW YEAR pals..!!